even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Send help, water and tortillas.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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