Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
