I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
