Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
