he thought i was a dude.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
