Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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