True but thats because hes a fetus.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
