The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
