sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
