I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
