mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
