I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
