Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
