so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
