Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
