somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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