i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I deserve this hangover.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
