Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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