Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize