I will die if light touches me.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize