1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
