I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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