the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
