Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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