He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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