i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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