I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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