You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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