Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
