I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize