What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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