Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
