onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
