Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Two words: nipple clamps
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