Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
