Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
