you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
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