you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
