Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Randomize
