I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
