On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
