dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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