Please don't use social media to get back at me.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
