If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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