Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
