I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
