I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
whose parrot is this?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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