end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
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