i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
