Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
