I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
