fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
