last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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