ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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