Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
In other news, I just burned my penis
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
