I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
a search helicopter?!
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
