I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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