My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
